It's Very Difficult

I was expected to be a mother on February 12, 2011. We found out we were pregnant in June and by July 1st, I had miscarried. It's been very hard on me. I've tried by hardest to cope, but it's not going so well for me. I have a very difficult time of letting anything go and this has been the hardest. I have never felt so helpless.

February 12 hit me very hard, it was a difficult day for me. It was the day we were supposed to be welcoming our little one into the world and we had that ripped away from us in the blink of an eye.

I am still very angry about it. It's not fair to me that I wanted a child and wasn't allowed and I see all of these girls walking around pregnant with children they didn't even want.

I now question my abilities as a mother. I'm afraid that I wouldn't have been enough and that's why my child was taken away from me.

I never got to hear a heartbeat, see a child on an ultrasound. I never got to feel the first kicks of a growing life. I was so excited.

I never wanted children of my own until I got pregnant. Getting pregnant changed my life entirely. Losing a child had changed me even more.

I'm desperate for answers even though there are none. I want to know why and how and if it's going to happen again.

About 3 months after my miscarriage I was diagnosed with ovarian cysts, and though it's not impossible to get pregnant, it can make it very difficult.

That has gotten to me also. We tried to get pregnant from October until recently. It never happened and I have a huge fear that it won't happen. That really hurts me.

I get so angry at everything. It has caused me a lot of grief and pain and misery.